subroutined | LITTLE HADES

Ticket #6̼̬̤̰̥͉̪ͮ̔̈͗̋͊ͫ̚6̵͈̤̜̭̾̐ͭ6̨̲͆ͬ

CREATOR: INFERNALAFFAIRS - L
SUMMARY: Digitizing miscelaneous documents
PRIORITY: Medium
COMMENTS: Approx. 50 (fifty) boxes being delivered to IT with assorted memos, citations, imprecations, etc. Pls retain original formatting.

There's something nesting in box 34. Do you want a separate ticket for that?

Ticket #6̵̛͎̜̯͍͓̗̓ͬ̄̀6̨͔̔ͯ̓̐̈́̀͞7̛̞̩̝̳̭̂ͭ̈̇

CREATOR: INFERNALAFFAIRS - L
SUMMARY: Creature in a box
PRIORITY: Urgent?
COMMENTS: It made hissing noises and spat shredded paper at us. We have faith in you guys.

Ticket #6̢̧͈̬͖̤ͩͤͪ͗̔ͦ6̧̖̠̼͗͗͂̚͠8͇̹͕͉̲͇̹̘̒ͣ̍̀̀

CREATOR: INFERNALAFFAIRS - L
SUMMARY: More boxes
PRIORITY: Medium
COMMENTS: Wait, Hux forgot a box. We're sending it now. New total is 51 boxes.

Your support request has been accepted.

Ticket # 853
CREATOR: LEGAL - Chase Collins
SUMMARY: Somebody lodged a stapler in my computer monitor
PRIORITY: Urgent
COMMENTS: Fix my computer asap. I have to do all my work by hand until it's working again.

[ Ash gets the inbox ping while he's wrestling with a box that's snarling and rattling around. He takes a moment to consider before replying: ]

Your support request has been accepted at priority level medium. We apologize for the downgrade, but our technicians are experiencing an unusually high c͚̊a̦̎l̹̈́l͇̾ ̭̐v̳̈́o̯̊l̻͘ų̊m͓͝e̙͝.

If you would like to upgrade to priority level urgent, please report to IT for assistance.

[ It takes a while for Chase to actually receive the message, since he can only check his mail when he manages to shove a coworker away from their own computer for a couple minutes. BUT ONCE HE RECEIVES IT, HE WILL ABSOLUTELY RUN OVER TO IT TO SCREAM AT PEOPLE. ]

[ Meanwhile, down in IT (in the sub-sub-sub basement), all technicians have cleared out save for Ash, who is poking at box 34 with a broom handle. ]

How is a broken computer not urgent?! I'm going to get carpal tunnel at this rate and-- [ Chase stops mid-rage, looking around. Why's Ash the only person here, and why is he poking a box? ]

Chase! [ Ash looks up, happy to see his friend. ] Good, you're here. I need a bit of— [ The box shudders and cuts him off with a growl and a hiss. ] —help.

There's something nasty living in there, and I... can't get rid of it.

[ Isn't sure how, more like it. ]

[ Chase's eyebrows shoot up at the sound of that growl, and he looks down at the box, then at Ash again. ]

So... If I help you out, will I get a new computer?

A new monitor, at least. If that's where your trouble is, you shouldn't need a new hard drive.

[ And resources are tight. He backs away from the box, still gripping the broom defensively. ]

[ Chase mulls it over, takes his time coming to a decision, even as the thing in the box starts to make some chittering noises. ]

Okay, fine. But I want to be on the top of the list for an upgrade if you guys come into anything shiny and new.

[ He starts to move towards the box, cautiously, keeping a safe distance. ]

What've you tried with this thing?

Noted.

[ Unlikely, but noted. ]

I opened the lid. It didn't like that. So I got this... [ broom ] ...And... Yeah.

Why don't you set it on fire or something?

[ Ah, yes. Solves every problem. ]

Fire. Right.

[ But then what if it gets out? Then it'll be angry AND on fire— but ok if that's what Chase wants to try... ]

I'll just... move the rest of the flammable boxes then.

[ He grins. Always great when somebody agrees with your dumb plans. Plus, setting something on fire will help him out with his pent up aggression. ]

There's nothing important inside this one, right? I mean, just in case we can't salvage anything...

[ Ash consists that as he shuffles the rest of the boxes clear. ]

Nothing anyone has missed in... years, anyway. I don't think so.

Great!

[ Good to know, because there's a very good chance that this box will just be ashes and the burnt remains of the box critter soon. ]

Ready? [ He waits a beat, just long enough to give Ash a chance to respond, then looks at the box, his eyes going black with Power. And then...

Nothing.

He frowns, narrowing his eyes, trying to focus harder.

Ah-- ah ha! A spark, just enough to catch on something and get the creature to emit a rumble. Still, he focuses, raising a hand at the box, as if that'll make any real difference, get the fire going stronger.

Surprisingly, that seems to actually do the trick. Smoke begins to waft from the box as the contents catch on fire. The creature, though, doesn't seem to care.

...

Possibly because every 'living' thing in Hell is fireproof. ]

[ The black eyes are interesting, and even serve to distract Ash for a minute, but then the box rustles again and-- ]

Uh, Chase? I don't think it's working...

No, no, it's working! See? The fire's getting stronger.

[ Surely, the box is only rustling because the creature's in its death throes... ]

I've got this.

[ He definitely does not. ]

[ If their goal was to burn the box, sure, then it was working. But their goal had been to get rid of the creature inside the box. Which now, with the lid of the box on fire, is revealed to be some sort of opossum-like rodent, hissing and snarling at them with sharp, pointed teeth. ]

Em, Chase...? It's nearly free, now.

Ticket #8͔̦̠͙͓̄͟ͅͅ2̴̧̣̹̜̪̦͐ͭ͢3̶͚̳̙̣̃͛̎
CREATOR: INFERNALAFFAIRS - L
SUMMARY: ?????????
PRIORITY: Low
COMMENTS: <3

Your support request has been accepted.

Ticket #1245
CREATOR: INTERNALAFFAIRS - H
SUMMARY: Hardware replacement.
PRIORITY: Medium to Urgent.
COMMENTS: Kept getting a blue screen. Found RAM to be loose in slots. Fixed it. Now unit smokes and attempts to bite when we try to remove the side from it to take a look.

Addendum: If your dept has spare bandages, bring them.

Your support request has been accepted.

[ Ash soon wheels his way up to Internal Affairs with a new CPU and a box of Hello Satan bandaids on a push cart. ]

Hello? I'm looking for... "H?"

[ Hux is idly waving a file at the smoking cpu box, nose wrinkled in distaste at the whole affair. This place was a joke; how is he meant to work if things keep setting themselves on fire or trying to eat his fingers? They've already lost one intern to it, the guy needing to be sent to the infirmary with his arm from the elbow down missing. There may be a trail of blood leading out of the office from that particular event.]

That would be me. [ Hux looks up. Ah, of course.] H is for Hux, after all.

[ Of course. It's his other face. Ash smiles and waves, wheeling his cart over. ]

What seems to be the problem here?

[ If there's one person in Hell that Hux could potentially be fine with keeping an eye out for, it would be Ash. Maybe he should look into doing better at that.]

Hell decided to backfire when I tried to fix my machine. Entertaining as it is to watch it take chunks out of the interns, I do need it to co-operate to do my work.

Alright, then.

[ He pushes up his sleeves, then grabs a pair of heavy duty gloves from his cart and pulls them on. Next up is a screwdriver, and a mini fire extinguisher, just in case.

He kneels before the machine, setting to unscrew the casing. As soon as there's an opening big enough for him to spray the fire suppressant through, he does, seemingly subduing whatever's possessed the machine. That done, he screws it up tight, unplugs it, and switches it out for a new one. Looking up to Hux, he explains, ]

They're always easier to transport when they're sleeping.

[ Hux watches with mild interest as Ash sets to work subduing the computer itself. It's interesting to note that his face twin knows exactly what he's doing and it's impressive in itself that he's doing something that Hux had never thought of.]

So it would seem. I do hope it stays asleep for a good while yet. Please, sit. [ Hux motions at a nearby chair with one hand, vaguely relieved that soon he can get back to work on a computer that isn't trying to murder him.]

[ Ash had been expecting Hux to dismiss him as soon as the new computer was in, but apparently he's being invited to stay. ]

Alright. [ He sits in the offered chair, grabbing the mouse to boot up the new computer and make sure it runs alright. ]

How do you like it, here in Internal Affairs?

LITTLE HADES - IT INBOX

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hello did you miss him

so much come to papa

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